Upset.

Despite the title, I think I am not really like very upset.  It’s just that I’m a bit exchausted physically and mentally, and this exhaustion is making me feel a bit upset.

The exhaustion I am experiencing are multi-fold.  First of all is of course about work.  It’s not like I’m hating my job, but it’s just that there are so many things that I have to be doing that it’s getting a little stressful.  I was worried about not being able to do my work well, so I was putting quite a bit of my energy into it.  As a result, I’m getting really tired physically and mentally.  That is something that I perhaps just need to get used to.  After all, I’m about 2 months into this role and I guess this “getting-used-to” period probably is going to last a little longer.  But compared to the period when I first came into this job, I think I’m doing much better already.

The other reason that I’m getting a bit upset is actually something to do with my feelings and all that.  It’s like, I know I’m never one who could express my feelings well, so sometimes people either misunderstand, or they just don’t get it.  And sometimes I don’t know if they even know how I’m feeling, so I have a knack of trying to tell myself how the others are feeling, and many times they don’t come out well.  It’s like I would think “oh, that person is ignoring my messages, there must be something wrong with what I’ve done” or “oh, that person is not paying so much attention to me as before, something must have happened” and I get myself all stressed on these things.  Of course, I would think sometimes I’m being unrealistic as well as far as these feelings are concerned, because sometimes some of these feelings are just feelings in which the reality would probably be hard to achieve, even though they might not be entirely impossible.  I guess sometimes I ought to be a bit realistic about what I think about.  I mean, sometimes some things may look nice but they may not turn out well.  And then there will be times when things don’t look good, but there could be reasons to be optimistic.

I guess I’m writing a little more frequently these couple of days because I really have quite a bit of feeling and stress to unleash.  Anyone keen for chicken and beer this Saturday night?

Writer.

There’s a part of me that likes to write stories, and I usually have a knack about writing side stories from those good drama series, either as a continuation of the dramas themselves, or a side-track story about one of the characters. Of course, given my habit of serious procrastination and constant liking for something new, I never quite got to finish any of those stories that I have always been wanting to write. The furthest I went was 3 pages, and that was it. Make no mistake, I like to put my creativity into words and share with everyone, it’s just that sometimes I could muster only the beginning, and then the ideas ran out, and then the whole thing just stopped there. Pretty much like my own life, really. And to be honest, this madness of mine about all things Korean is about the longest craze that I’ve ever had.

To be honest, I have not been in the best of moods for a long time. I guess it all goes down to the fact that I’m not really good in handling interpersonal relationships, and in particular, relationships with people whom I’m fond of. I mean, it’s like, I am always caught in the middle between showing affection and showing discern towards the people I’m fond of. And when that happens, I would get upset with myself. I was recently caught in a squabble with someone whom I actually like, and I think that squabble is still affecting me emotionally until today. I’m not saying I’m depressed, but it’s just that I feel horrible to be showing her discern when I face her, because I know she’s probably still upset with me. Of course, like I always say, maybe the feeling is one-way and she actually hates me all along (y’know, it’s so easy to hate me that it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out how). If she has been hating me all along and let me know about it, I would have been fine and be professional about it. But it sucks when I don’t know what she’s thinking and I am this miserable bloke who’s trying to figure out what she’s thinking. You know, that kind of “wanting to get near, but worried about getting hurt” syndrome? I probably am suffering from that.

Strange enough though, for those of you who have been following my little journal for the past couple of years, you’d know that I’ve once said that “girls who appear in my dreams as my girlfriends never end up as my girlfriends in real life”, and this girl has not appeared (yet) for all these while. Those that have appeared were either attached to someone, engaged, married, or have a few kids already. Is that a sign? Or maybe she’d suddenly turn up tonight?

By the way, I have not been able to sleep well since coming back from Korea. Not that I miss Korea that much to be losing sleep, but it’s just that I really don’t have a conducive sleeping environment in Hong Kong.

Mood.

Strangely, I woke up feeling a bit weird today, and definitely wasn’t in a good mood. I don’t know what hit me, but it’s just that I’m not feeling too good about myself today. I guess there’s always times when one doesn’t feel right even though nothing is wrong. I have quite a bit of things going on in my head – work, life, love, and the lot. I guess for people around my age we start to think a bit too much.

I would say that I can’t really complain about the life that I’m living now. Not the best life, but I guess it’s one that is already better than a lot of people. I mean, there are certain areas that I think I could do better in, but I think overall I should be satisfied on how life has been treating me so far. It’s not like I’m struggling to make ends meet, or have any serious hardships. I mean, hardships, they are always there, but mine are probably pretty manageable. I still pretty much am on my own, that’s probably the only down side. And seeing my friends from college and senior high school getting married and having kids, sometimes I do think a bit more towards that direction. But what to do, I’m never one who knows how to handle relationships well, so things have never worked out so far. As much as I look forward to one, I am also afraid of how to handle one. I don’t know how the future’s going to be, but before that happens, I probably would live the way that I have been living, and perhaps pray to God that something good would happen to me. It’s in His plans, I believe.

Anyway life has pretty much gone back to normal after my one-week holiday and it’s good that this period really isn’t the busiest period of the year, and I am able to catch a breather and sort out some of the work that has been waiting for me for a while. And in the meanwhile, I look forward to my next holiday…